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THE BDDK 



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THE KODK 

!PYeE 

BY ''lilNISEil" 




A LITTLE FLY 





A Work specially 
recommended to Sufferers 
who are tired of dipping 
their Daily Bread in the 
Milk of Human Kindness 
and whose Diet requires 

a Dash of 
HIGH SEASONING 




^Aai.ift« 



?/H'Ric<\ 



A Book intended to make 
the Old a little Younger and 
the Young a little Older. 

RECKLESSLY 
ILLUSTRATED. 




LEMON PttL 



JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY 

BOSTON AND LONDON 

1906 



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Copyright, 1906, 63^ 
John W. Luce £f Company 
Boston, Mass., U.S. A. 




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THE BDDK 



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THE BOOK OF SPICE 




When Venus, rising from the waves, her pulchritude 

divulges, 
And posing in the All-at-once, displays her curves 

and bulges, 
Then comes one street, consoling thought: If 

Nature built her squarer, 
She*d be a "straighter girl," no doubt, but Artists 

couldn't bear her ! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



ica 





O say, can*t you see ? 

When Fate made Venus armless 
It also made her harmless — 
For in a squeezing-contest — gee I 
She couldn't Hold Her Own with me I 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 







The Kangaroo and Porcupine they met upon 

the Ark. 
They first began to bill and coo, and then to 

flame and spark; 
So they were wed and settled down to calm, 

domestic habits. 
Then Baby came, or rather, twins — both litde, 

tough Welch Rabbits. 




At midnight when you try a lot 

Of indigestive grub, 
Just take a Rabbit piping hot — 

Then join the Nightmare Club. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



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When e'er my true love's skirts do get 
To fluttering in the wynde 

I cannot choose but look — and yet 
They tell me Love is blind! I 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




When lovely Woman hurries by 
Some passing car to hook 

And holds her dresses rather high 
The Blind Man stops to look. 






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THE BOOK OF SPICE 





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f>S^ Zeal is something which flags at nagging and nags 
y at flagging. 

^ In every up-to-date marriage the Parson ties a slip 
^ knot. This is much easier to untie in the Divorce 
•» Court than the old-fashioned true-love knot. 

^J Kissing is a bad practice — but practice makes per- 
J feet. 

^^"f ^' requires no explanation when your wife goes to 
yDT an auction sale and pays $4 for a fifty-cent sofa- 
« •» cushion. Auctions speak louder than words. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



\^ She found herself alone in a Great City. Her (irsV 

rr problem was: How to remain Beautiful though 

Poor. But before she'd been there a month her 

problem changed to : How to remain Poor though Beau- 

tiy. 

** There's no fool like an old fool," I used to say in youth. 
jfflf " There's no fool like a dam fool," seems nearer to the 
i truth. 

X Kindness makes friends — but it doesn't make 
money. 



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A bird in the hand lays no eggs — but two in the 
bush build a nest. 



A Career is a mirage, the desire for which robs the 
office of good stenographers and fills the stage with 
indifferent performers. 

Immorality is a good motif for plays, but a bad motif 
for private life. 




THE BOOK OF SPICE 




The Chorus girl 

Is a porous girl — 

In fact she is a sponge. 

She bathes her brain 

In iced champagne 

And rather likes the plunge. 

rU live for her, FU die for her — 

But hang me if FU "buy" for her! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




dzii 




A diamond necklace more or less 
Is nothing much to her — 

'Tis strange how well a girl can dress 
On $15 per! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 





The Automobile keeps a-mowing 
Down victims wherever it pops. 

It's fearfully fast when it's going, 
BUT . 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



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it*s frightfully slow when it stops. 






As sad hours I drag on 

The old Water Wagon, 

It makes me still sadder to think, now 

and then. 
That water's so dry— 
And the seat's so damp high 
That I cannot reach down for a drink, 

now and then. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 





All drinking is risky: 
The man who takes 

whisky 
Is apt to fight blue toads 

and slaughter snakes; 
But beware, son and 

daughter, — 
If you tipple cold water 
Too much, you'll be apt 

to see Water Snakes! 





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THE BOOK OF SPICE 




If limbs Kke these 
Grew on the trees 
I think I'd die of heart disease. 
I wouldn't dare to look at all 
When autumn leaves began to fall. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 











1 




If all the trees had limbs like mine 




I think the 


woods would look divine! 


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THE BOOK OF SPICE 




UNDER THE SPICE TREE / 



f" Don't you believe in flirting, Sol?" asked one 
of his thousand wives of the wisest of kings. 
"No, I don't — I'm a married man," replied 
Solomon as he turned to telephone for 65 new baby 
carriages. 

jjK Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. 

tWhen Diana took her morning bath no man was 
there to look — but the woods were full of rubber- 
trees. 

X Ladies, remember— in the Matrimonial Journey 
the Slow Freight is better than the Fast Male. 

*-^If the good die young, Methuselah must have 
n been a long time in the Insurance Business. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



f: 



Cupid is a good press-agent, but a poor book^ 
keeper. When he finds his books won't balance 
he makes up the deficit as follows: 



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CRE.DIT 


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Why do women marry? Some for love; some for 

oney; some for a cheerful companion who will 

always be on hand to hook up her dress in the back. 

t There's a woman at the bottom of everything— even 
of the Bottomless Pit 

Sj^Even in the Age of Christian Enlightenment there 
^jy still existed a Society which said, " If there is any 
doubt about a woman's virtue, give it the benefit of your 
doubt." 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




I'd hate to be an Angel 

And never do a thing 

But practise on that darned old harp 
And sing, and sing, and sing. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



But if I were a Devil 

rd quite enjoy my doom, 
And raise old Hades with the boys 

Down in the Smoking Room. 





THE BOOK OF SPICE 




A Mouse who was searching for flats 
Got into a crowd of old cats. 
He turned up his nose 
When he looked at their hose 
And said, with a snicker, "O rats!" 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




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The Mouse only smiles 
When he looks at the styles 

Brought out for display. 
He gazes a minute, 
Then says, " Nothing in it!" 

And scampers away. 



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THE BOOK OF SPICE 





The Moon looked in the window 

When Gladys took her bath; 
He boldly peeked. The lady shrieked, 

And drew the blind in wrath; 
But still the moon continued 

To beam upon the mesh. 
I think the Moon was rather "new" 

To do a thing so fresh. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



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The lovely maid protested 
And raised an awful fuss, 
But the Moon ain't interested 
In us. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




t 



What the Waiter Sees. 

It*s what the waiter doesn't see that he gets 
paid for. If a gent won't tip, tip his soup. 

When a guy talks like money it's no sign that 
he's going to hand you a dollar. 

If you notice it, a chorus-girl always likes her 
lobsters well "done." 



^ 



You needn't think you're a General because you 
can give orders to a waiter. 

Don't cry over spilt milk — charge it on the bill. 

The constitution follows the jag. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



XG)ld botdes make warm hearts. 
Cold steaks make hot words. 
On with the dance, let joy be unrefined I 
Bad morals — everybody's but your own. 



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It 



A Dinner is a bite or a collation — depending on 
who pays for it. 

A Johnnie is a small "angel" who thinks that he 
is a little devil. 

Frills are a light, fluffy material that cover a mul- 
titude of shins. 



Jealousy makes men shoot and women coo. 



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A dumb-waiter is the only safe kind to take 
drinks into a private room. 




H 



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THE BOOK OF SPICE 



rd like to be a billy-goat 

And live upon a crag. 

With "mountain dew" I'd wet my 

throat 
And leap from jag to jag. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 





But, should I slip, 
The downward trip 

Would need no kind assistance. 
When "extra dry" 
Comes extra high 

You fall an extra distance. 



\AA/\/\/\AA/\/\A/\AA/VAA/VV 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 







It Is considered dreadful luck, 
Of Fate's confounded cook- 
ing, 
To kiss another fellow's wife 
When 'tother fellow's look- 
ing. 



-TooTl.i 

> HOBjtff 





It's also very horrid luck, 
And brings all sorts of troubles. 
To stand upon your head in 

front 
Of passing auto-mubbles. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



Planter &Ca 

UNDERTAKERS 





,^ When I am walking down the street 
^'"' It takes away my breath 

To see an undertaker's sign — 
For that's a Sign of Death. 



S 



Bad Luck comes never singly, sir — 

And so I feel a shock 
Whene'er I chance to meet myself 

A-coming round the block. 



HHHHhHH 



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A rollicking old Mormon wed a chorus 

girl named Flo 
And they went upon a honeymoon 

uproarous. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




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He telegraphed her manager, "I like 

your sample so 
That I think I'll take the balance of the 

Chorus." 







THE BOOK OF SPICE 




The Great 
American Cocktail 



Since Dionysius blithe and young inspired old Hellas' air 
And beat the muses at their game "with vine-leaves 

in his hair," 
Since Wotan quaffed oblivion from Nieblungen gold 
And Thor beside the icy fjord drank thunderbolts of old, 
Since Omar in the Persian bowl forgot the fires of hell 
And wondered what the vintners buy so rare as that 

they sell, 
What potion have the gods bestowed to lift the thoughts 

afar 
Like that seductive cocktail that they seO across the 

bar? 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



Perhaps it*s made of whisky and perhaps it*s made of 

gin, 
Perhaps there's orange bitters and an orange-peel within, 
Perhaps it's called Martini, and perhaps it's called, again, 
The name that spread Manhattan's fame among the 

sons of men ; 
Perhaps you like it garnished with what thinking 

men avoid. 
The little blushing cherry that is made of celluloid — 
But be these matters as they may, a cher confrere you are 
If you admire the cocktail that they pass across the bar. 

And as the hours of talk grow late, the hours of drink 
grow more, 

What makes the barroom mirror shine £is never shone 
before ? 

What makes the dullest utterance the cogs of mirth 
anoint 

Until no joke is so obscure you cannot see the point? 

What makes the sidewalk, homeward bound, like storm- 
tossed ships careen, 

Until a dear, familiar voice says, "Charles, where have 
you been ? " 
You hear yourself, like some one else, 

make answer from afar, 
**'Sh' thoshe d'lish's cocktailsh (hid) 
they pash acrosh th* bar I " 




THE BOOK OF SPICE 





When Eve came to Adam 
He said, " My dear Madam, 

You re pretty, God bless you — 
But who's going to dress you?' 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




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When the Snake coiled about her 

Eve looked rather pleased. 
She said with a shrug, 
"Well, if that's called a hug 
It makes me quite nervous — 
But heaven preserve us, 

I like to be squeezed!" 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




A pretty girl named Snowdown 
Who wore her dress quite low-down 

Said "Some men swear 

That Tm not fair — 
ril give them all a show-down." 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




'Twas safe enough to call their bluff — 
She won out on the show-down. 




A bluff like mine won't go down. 
It*s something of a throw-down. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




Two ardent Clothing Dummies, to 
flirtatious glances reared, 

For many moons within a window 
tarried. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




Until one summer moming, lo ! a lovely 

Doll appeared — 
Good gracious! and they were not 

even married!! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




XWhen a girl looks simple, don't fool your- 
self — that's only the way her mother dresses 
her. 



1t 



Wild oats never grow near wall-flowers. 



fA yacht is a seagoing craft which is christened 
with champagne and waterlogged with the 
same beverage. 

tAn army officer is a young gentleman employed 
by the U. S. Government for active service — 
principally dancing. 
tA kiss is a small, explosive toy, of small commer- 
cial value, but highly esteemed as a gift or souve- 
nir. It grows behind curtains, under palms, in the 
shade of icebergs — in fact in secluded spots of almost 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



any temperature. When well cared for it attains a 
magnificent size and delicious flavor. 

Q* A kiss is something which a girl always looks for- 
irj^ ward to with expectancy — and receives with sur- 

^ prise. 

XWhen a theatrical company goes broke the 
actors may roar for their money loud enough to 
wake the dead — but they cannot make the 
ghost walk. 

tWhen a woman sets her cap at him the average 
man can find an answer; but when she asks if 
her hat's on straight it's impossible to make an 
intelligent reply. 

\^ In Paris they call it " Bohemia," in Boston " The 
ryf Simple Life," and in Podunk " Vagrancy.** 
J Podunk is the only place where it*s curable. 



^ 



Millions for expense, and not one cent for 
alimony! 





mil If/ 




THE BOOK OF SPICE 




Love in a Cottage is pleasant enough, 
Love in a Mansion is swell, 

Love in a Flat is a little might tough — 
But love in an Office is Hell ! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




There's no use enquiring, "Where is *e?' 
He's busy. 



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Be BR.IEF! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




A Spinster sat upon the sand and asked the 

reason why 
When she came down to take a bath the 

beach was always dry. 
A Sea-gull heard her tender plaint and 

answered with a grin, 
" You make the tide so bashful that it 

does not dare come in I " 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 





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But sometimes when the seaside nymphs appear in 

lovely form 
The tide becomes so restless that the waves grow 

almost warm. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 


He left he 
And sai 

"I hope I 
And th< 


r at the garden wall 
d in accents sadder, 
may see more of you '* — 
in she climbed the ladder. 


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THE BOOK OF SPICE 



The maid who is shyest 
Looks ofttimes the fly-est 

When climbing a ladder — The best things come 
highest. 




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THE BOOK OF SPICE 




O DOCTOR! 



©^ Dr. Slitz, the famous surgeon of Keokuk, Iowa, 
JmT recently performed one of his sensational opera- 

l tions on the human brain. A gentleman from Ohio, 
suffering from localized paresis, dropped into the doctor's 
office the other morning to discuss the tariff. Quickly 
chloroforming the patient the brain was removed and laid 
in an open window to thaw out. Here a hitch occurred 
which very nearly resulted in a mortifying predicament 
for Dr. Slitz. A vagrant ice-man, seeing the brain in 
process of melting, focused his burning glass on the con- 
gealed member from force of habit. In a moment it was 
reduced to an unrecoverable dew-drop. 

tDr. Slitz immediately saw that the recovery of the 
precious organ was impossible and that he must act 
quickly, if at all ; so, with his usual self-possession, he 
filled the patient's skull-cavity with a mixture of sawdust 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



and beeswax, placed the lid back on his skull and sent him 
home. The patient entirely recovered and continues to 
hold his important position under the U. S. Government 
where the deficiency (if deficiency there be) will never be 
noticed. 

Q* Codfish eye — this distressing malady has developed 
f||^ into an epidemic recently at Back Bay, Boston, and 

^ at Newport. It is usually accompanied by icy feet and 
a chronic sneer. The speediest cure consists in reducing 
the patient's bank account 95 % , rolling him in corn-meal 
and soaking him with a wet towel. Hard work on a 
farm is also beneficial. 

To cure that Tired Feeling in the Morning, go 
back to the Night Before and be a little more careful 

Elating on an empty stomach is apt to be followed 
by loss of appetite. 

Before operating on a patient first determine the 
strength of his heart, then the size of his bank 
account 





clock upon yon dizzy height, 
Don't kick up such a rumpus. 

1 do not need a clock to-night — 

But I wish I had a compass ! 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




North-by-East and galley- West — 

Hunah for the wild sea rover 
Who pulls his freight on a roller skate 

And is always half seas over. 
The Demon Rum, like a guiding star, 

Glares on with burning eyeball 
Till he steers his boat right over the bar 

And wrecks it on a highball. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 





rDDI-DSDPHY 



Xlt keeps the Man with the Hoe busy to sup- 
port the Girl with the Hose. 

fl don't know much about those " flesh pots of 
Egypt," but if they were put up in the Chicago 
stock-yards they must have been a pretty fierce 
variety of canned stew. 



1t 



Order ! " is the first law of head- waiters. 

Some promises won't keep — not even in cold 
storage. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



XA flea once attended a fashionable dance. 
He was not invited, but before the evening 
was over he was very intimate with the best 
people there — and very much sought after, I am told. 

f There was a romance in the side show. The 
fat lady married the living skeleton. "They 
will stick together through thick and thin," said 
the bearded lady. " Yes," murmured the dog-faced 
boy, " Love will have its weigh." 

tThe longer I watch stage doors the more I be- 
lieve in Dr. Osier. 



^ ^ 





Said Santa Claus, puzzled of manner, 
As he blew on his cotton bandanner, 

"The size of Maud's stocking 

Is perfectly shocking — 
I think she must want a pianner! " 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



I=X 



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Yet Maud is a maid of such generous build 
Tm sure that her stocking is always well filled. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



THE 

PARROT 
SAYSS 




X 



Don't refuse a maiden's "first kiss"— but take 
it with a grain of salt. 



f Superior wisdom is not the only thing that keeps 
old maids virtuous. 



"^ 



The moon is a good matchmaker, but as a 
chaperone — look out, girls ! 



If every man obeyed every woman when she 
said, ** Please stop!" Cupid could take a vaca- 
tion and the Recording Angel could close up 
his books and go fishing. 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 



Xlf you want to cheat your grocer, rob your 
neighbor, and betray your friend's wife, get an 
" artistic temperament." That will excuse you 
for all your sins. 



^ 



If she seems cold at first, don't you care. Chills 
are often followed by fever. 



tWhen Adam got his apples in the raw state it 
wasn't so bad, after all. But when Eve started 
in to experiment with apple pie, there was trouble 
in Paradise. 

^Ti Many a girl who says ** she'll be a sister to you" 
ji is mature enough to act in loco parentis. 




THE BOOK OF SPICE 




"Boy with the floral offering, pray tell me, 

who's the dead 'un?** 
"Oh, no one's dead," the boy replied. "This 

wreath is for a weddun." 



THE BOOK OF SPICE 




"Nay, nay," replied the Married Man, "though 
death may bring release. 

No earthly marriage e*er deserved an offering 
marked * Peace.* " 




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